Note: In this post I focus very heavily on Exodus 90, only briefly mentioning the broader problem. Nevertheless, I hope you'll take my thoughts here as a more general commentary on the state of Catholic lay ministry in general, as much of what I highlight about Exodus 90 can apply to a far broader range of lay ministry for spouses!
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Today, New Years’ Day 2023, marks the opening date for this
year’s Exodus 90. For those who have
somehow never heard of the program – quite a feat as Exodus 90 really has been remarkably successful and widely spoken of
over the past few years – it is a 90 day Catholic spiritual exercise for men
which aims to help them to grow stronger in their faith and religious practice.
Described by its creators as well as just about everyone else as “intense,” Exodus 90 is built on the three pillars
of prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. It wouldn’t be wrong to describe this as
a sort of “super-Lent” which lasts more than twice as long and calls for even
more extraordinary and wide-ranging sacrifices, but in truth it’s a lot more
than that. In spite of the very much old-school self-denial and sacrifices
involved, Exodus 90 really has
enjoyed tremendous and growing popularity among both single and married men since
it first came on the scene in the 2010s – and it’s also totally contrary to the
Catholic theology and spirituality of marriage.
Central to the Catholic understanding of marriage is a
total union of man and woman in which nothing is held back. The Catechism of
the Catholic Church introduces the Sacrament of Matrimony by saying, “The
matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a
partnership of the whole of life…” (CCC 1601) In the Scriptures Jesus, quoting
Genesis, describes marriage in particularly striking terms, speaking of it as a
union of such intimacy that, “a man leaves his father and his mother and
cleaves to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:5) Pope St. John Paul II, commenting on this
passage (something he did extensively) notes that in speaking of a one-flesh
union the Lord didn’t intend to refer only to the physical union of the
conjugal act, but rather that the message here was of a total and complete
union of two people, who, moving from the original solitude which characterized
their lives up to that point, were now in marriage united so intimately and so
totally in every way that they could be described as being of one flesh. “They
are no longer two,” Jesus says (Matt. 19:6) While I think that there is a lot
of good in Exodus 90 for single men,
there are at least three ways in which it contradicts the theoretical (i.e.,
theological) and practical (i.e., spirituality) aspects of Catholic marriage.
First, Exodus 90 tries to establish an area of a man’s life which his spouse is separate from but which contains some of his most important, most vulnerable, and most intimate thoughts and practices. It calls men to make a wide range of sacrifices, including fasting, abstinence from meat, alcohol, sweets, snacking, television, sports, listening to most music, and (apart from what is necessary for work, paying bills, etc.) all technology use. These sacrifices are aimed at deepening a man’s relationship with Jesus Christ; alongside these, men are supposed to participate in daily prayer including making a holy hour (at a church) every day, but since even with a prayerful attitude it would be extremely difficult to go at this sort of stuff alone they are meant to be undertaken in a fraternal community of other men who are also participating in Exodus 90. One might naturally think that a man’s one-flesh partner, his bride with whom he has the most intimate earthly relationship, would also be a part of all of this – except that Exodus 90 actively discourages wives from being so.
For example, on the Exodus 90 landing page for wives are three main points, one of which is “It’s His Exodus, Not Yours.” This is a message that is found over and over throughout the materials related to wives that the Exodus 90 creators have produced. The idea is, on the surface, a good one: Exodus 90 calls men to a lot of sacrifices, but these sacrifices shouldn’t be impositions on a wife.
What does this mean for wives? Ultimately one of two things: either live different lives from their husbands – something that is obviously contrary to the one-flesh union – or try to join in with their husbands. The problem is that Exodus 90 sends what can only be described as mixed messages on the latter. While some materials encourage wives to try to join with their husbands in their sacrifices, others encourage them not to or even outright warn against this. The reason? After the success of Exodus 90 prompted many calls for a version geared towards women, the creators commissioned an order of women religious to create just that — only to hear back after several months that the sisters had prayerfully discerned that the model is not one which supports a woman’s spirituality.
Thus, having read through as many of their materials which I can without getting out my credit card (the 2023 version has really stepped up the level of paywalling behind a subscription compared to past years) I would say that on balance Exodus 90 actively discourages wives from trying to participate. Husbands are therefore being encouraged to deepen their spiritual lives by establishing whole patterns of life which they are encouraged to keep separate from their families and to share mostly with other men in their fraternities. I want to be sure that I’m being fair here to Exodus 90 and its creators, because I think they’d respond here by saying that men are encouraged to try to incorporate their families into their new ways of life – for instance, by finding things to replace their TV time with which can incorporate the entire family. The problem is that there is, again, some pretty conflicting messaging here which makes this sort of suggestion feel more like an afterthought because the strongest emphasis, which repeats over and over throughout their materials, is absolutely on the idea that a man’s family shouldn’t have to participate in his sacrifices or have their lives significantly impacted by his participation in Exodus 90 – and because of another, even more important point that I’ll get to shortly.
The second problem is that Exodus 90 introduces significant friction points into marriages and asks men to do things which make them less present to their families. This might be one of the more controversial points I raise, because I can imagine people jumping up here to shout out that Exodus 90 is very clear that it should make men more present to their families, not less. These are nice sentiments, but I just don’t think they are going to hold true in practice. First, the sacrifices that men are called to in this exercise are so wide-ranging that they can’t help but impact a wife and family – and this is something that in 2023 the Exodus 90 website and other materials acknowledge and emphasize. Having followed this program for several years, it’s been interesting to see how their messaging has evolved and developed. I say this largely in praise of the people behind Exodus 90: it’s clear that rather than resting on their laurels and insisting that what they had was fine the way it was that they’ve put in efforts to improve things and try to address shortcomings, the most glaring of which has always been with married men (this makes sense because the exercise was originally developed for seminarians). In past years their materials didn’t go as far in acknowledging that sacrificing meat, television, and many other things were inevitably going to impact a man’s family. This year they actually do get pretty explicit about this. I don’t know what’s been going on behind the scenes, but interestingly enough this is the first year when they have explicitly had wives of past participants working to try to improve the program and I wonder if this is a consequence. In any event, even if they’re to be lauded for doing a better job here it doesn’t change the reality: Exodus 90 is by its nature going to make things a lot more challenging in many homes.
The problem runs deeper than this, though, because Exodus 90 doesn’t only call men to eliminate things from their lives, but also to add things. In particular, they are called to add time for a daily holy hour and for fraternity. Now to be clear, these things are not bad – on the contrary, they’re laudable! - but they certainly take a husband out of the home, and for men who are fathers (especially fathers of young children) this is a big deal. Already one of the most common blind spots for fathers is recognizing how much their physical presence matters to their wives, even at the expense of doing other work that matters, including other work for the family. I was recently watching a video of a woman trying to explain how she feels abandoned when her husband comes home and starts doing work around the house like mowing the lawn. Even though in his mind he is doing something for his family, she has been alone taking care of three or four young kids all day long, without help or even just the opportunity to socialize with an adult, and so when her husband walks in the door and immediately leaves again even to do something important it hurts. An Exodus 90 man leaving his wife at home with the kids to go spend time with the guys is for Christian fraternity rather than to watch the game might make it technically better, but it isn’t going to change the way it impacts his wife – and there are still other problems. For instance, in my research into this topic I’ve read criticisms from wives of participants and one of the most common sore spots is that Exodus 90 encourages men to make all major purchases subject to “approval” from his fraternity. “I’m not going to ask permission to replace our oven if I need to,” one woman wrote. Again, ask yourself: does a norm like this help to foster unity in a marriage?
New to 2023, Exodus 90 has tried to address these sorts of issues by producing a companion book written by wives for wives and intended to help “with the spiritual challenges of this journey” (p. vi), and the very first section is about “Family Unity.” On the one hand this is good and demonstrates that the people behind the Exodus 90 have recognized some of the potential pitfalls of the exercise and have made efforts to address them. On the other hand, much of the advice in the book amounts to telling wives to suck it up because trust them, all of these hardships will be worth it in the end. If that sounds like it might not be a fair characterization, consider a few quotes from the book:
“Although the disciplines of the journey are just for men, the actions of our
husbands and fathers do affect the whole family and will be an adjustment for
everyone.” (p.vi)
“While it does cost the whole family something, it also pays back in much
greater returns.” (p. vii)
“Accept that this is hard, and annoying, and frustrating all at the same time.
Realize that no matter how annoying this may be for you, this is the good work
of rooting out sin and cultivating virtue. It’s the hard work of change, but it
is so worth it.” (p.7)
It’s important to be clear about something here: sometimes some act of suffering or some hardship is helpful or important and worth it in the end. Taken on their own, the statements above (and the many others like it throughout the booklet) are true. The problem is, remember, that these are being offered as reassurances to wives whose husbands are being asked to undergo extraordinary spiritual exercises without them and which will nevertheless impact them significantly. These are generally speaking good exercises in a vacuum and for a single man, but for a married man this is all being handled in a way that is not in keeping with the one-flesh union of marriage, and that is the problem here.
The third, and probably the most significant problem, is that Exodus 90 specifically excludes wives from participating in some aspects of their husbands’ deepening spiritual lives. Reiterating a point that has appeared in past years, the wives write in their companion booklet, “both husbands and wives need to realize that you cannot be his accountability partner. You are a support, but you are not in charge. He needs his team of other men—on the same journey—to keep him accountable. Also, he is an adult. Allow yourself to trust both your husband and the group, and don’t nag or criticize.” (p. viii) As their husbands get closer to Christ, Exodus 90 tells their wives to… butt out. That’s harsh, and taken as a whole it’s not entirely accurate because there are ways in which Exodus 90 encourages spouses to develop their spirituality together. The problem – the significant problem – is that there are also ways in which they’re told that the men need to do things without (not merely separately from, as in point one above) their wives. The booklet reiterates this:
“During your husband’s journey through Exodus, this humble though courageous and actively supportive role modeled for you here, is the very role you are called to play. Though it can be tempting to try to either participate in his journey in the same way, or in a parallel way (i.e., a women’s version of Exodus 90), your role during this time is much simpler. You are there to support, to enable, and to help.” (p. 14)
What’s more, this model of spirituality as Exodus 90 envisions it doesn’t stop with the conclusion of the exercises on Easter, but continues beyond: “Does this mean that the role of one who supports, enables, and helps is always your role in your relationship? The answer is complicated—in some ways yes, and in some ways no.” (p. 15) Reading through more of the text, it seems that the people behind Exodus 90 see this through the lens of traditional gender roles, as though this idea flows from embracing a more traditional view of marriage – but while I’d laud that attitude, the reality of things seems a lot more like an embrace of more traditional secular views of gender roles than of traditional Christian views of gender roles. Sure, the 1950s man who spends his evenings at the corner bar and his Saturday mornings on the golf course with his buddies might not respond well to his wife trying to hold him accountable and live a more moral life – but far from being something a spouse can’t do, in the theology of marriage of St. John Paul II this is one of the primary roles of a wife (or husband).
I realize that this is already a very long post, but I want to dig into this just a little bit more because the fact that Exodus 90 says that women cannot be their husband’s “accountability partners” is not only incredible in light of Pope St. John Paul II’s teaching, but also reveals in a particular way the fundamental problem with the whole thing. One must ask: why can’t wives act as their husbands’ accountability partners? I can think of at least three responses. First is that some of the things a man needs to be held accountable for include the way he treats his wife, and so she can’t hold him accountable for these things. This is true, but it’s of course going to apply to everyone as far as their own treatment is concerned, and in any case it’s no reason that a wife can’t help a husband be accountable for things other than the way he treats her. Second is that there may be something related to the proper gender role of a wife which would make it unfitting or improper for her to correct her husband. This seems to be closest to what the Exodus 90 materials suggest, but I’ll simply say that I will take St. John Paul II’s theology as definitive here. Third would be that a man would not be very responsive to his wife’s efforts to hold him accountable – that he wouldn’t take it well.
Of the three, this third is the only one that holds up to any kind of scrutiny, but it is also the most contrary to the concept of the one-flesh union. In marriage, husband and wife form a union that is so close and so intimate that they are no longer two but are one flesh. A man who can’t take feedback from his wife well is living, not the Catholic concept of marriage and the one-flesh union, but a secular vision of manhood which in its pride can’t admit to a wife having anything over oneself. Certainly we are not all perfect and we do not always live out the reality of this perfect matrimonial union as we ought, but when the spiritual exercise which is calling us and helping us to live out Christ’s call to a greater degree seems to embrace that fallen attitude, there’s a problem. For all of its talk about promoting better marriages and helping men to grow to be better husbands and better fathers, is at the core of Exodus 90’s understanding of marriage an erroneous, secular concept of marriage as an adversarial relationship? Often reading through the companion guidebook and other materials I very much get the impression that there is this view of marriage that really does not fully grasp the depth of union which it consists of.
In fact, there is an important statement near the beginning of the companion booklet which further hints at this problem. That statement comes as part of the introduction which tells wives why this companion booklet exists at all:
“While some men are great at communicating with their wives about what they are doing and why, we have found that many men and their wives have struggled to communicate details and expectations for the journey they are both about to begin. In order to help with this problem…”
Notice that the creators see the problem they are addressing not as the way the Exodus 90 exercise itself engages with married life, but rather with the way men have communicated with their wives about Exodus 90. They don’t see the problem as having anything to do with Exodus 90 itself, but with the fact that wives don’t understand it. The creators do ultimately blame this on men rather than their wives, but nevertheless I hope it isn’t putting too fine a point on it to say that this all feels very familiar when thinking about the way that Adam and Eve try to pass the blame around when confronted with their first sin in Genesis, a sin that was also a consequence of the spouses’ failure to act in union with one another. It’s not that the dynamics are all exactly the same, but nevertheless we do see one key similarity in that rather than leaning into the unity of the spouses, what we see here is a case of the individuality of the spouses being cited to try to dismiss a problem which at its core concerns a question of a lack of union.
While the Exodus 90 organization has apparently and mercifully thought better of it this year, some of their promotional and "how to talk to your wife" content of years past really reinforced this for me. One series of graphics depicted a grown man, hands clasped together and eyes looking up in petition reminiscent of a child asking a parent if they can please go to that party/trip/sleepover/whatever that they really, really, really want to. I wish I could provide an image, but somehow these seems to have been entirely removed from the internet. Suffice it to say that they did not engender the idea of a mature man in a mature relationship with a woman having a mature discussion about a spiritual exercise he would like to do. In fact it very much came across as an example of that same paradigm of an adversarial relationship between husband and wife - or at least of one where the two spouses are not of one mind. Again, I really do wonder how much influence the women who have come on board to help have had on refining the image that is put forward. In past years much of what could be found about Exodus 90 had a "by single men for single men" vibe to it, whereas anything I can find now has much more of a sense of maturity and professionalism to it.
To be fair, Exodus 90 is not the only example of Catholic lay ministry that has had this problem. For most of its long history even as venerable an organization as the Knights of Columbus required men to take an oath not to tell anybody what takes place at some of its ceremonies – including, explicitly, spouses. I’ve heard all of the justifications before: nothing that is covered by the oath is contrary to the Catholic faith, or anything that would ever concern a spouse or anything that would cause any kind of problem. The only reason for this oath, people would insist, was to avoid spoiling things for men who might join the organization in the future. Forgive me if I find all of these arguments to miss the point, which is that the one-flesh Union of man and woman in marriage is complete and radical. Man and wife are “no longer two,” as Christ says, but “one flesh.” It is a total self-giving, holding nothing back. As I’ve noted – to very positive reactions – to Confirmation classes, one doesn’t append a “but” or an “except” to the marriage vows. No great story ends with the hero saying to his beloved, “You are mine and I am yours, but…”
Nevertheless and to their credit Exodus 90 and the Knights of Columbus do attempt to fulfill a role which is sorely lacking in the Church: ministry to and for the married, family demographic. There are all sorts of things for children, teens, young adults, and the elderly. There are even an increasing number of options for young married couples – but for those who have been married for a few years, especially if they have children? There’s almost nothing. Unfortunately, I think that in practice, Exodus 90 also fits into the standard paradigm of lay ministry: it’s great for young singles, but for middle aged men with families, it is just too compromised. To their credit, its creators do at least seem to be trying to improve matters, and it would be altogether wrong to fail to acknowledge that there has been a lot of good fruit from Exodus 90. For all of the wives who have had bad experiences with their husbands participating, there are also many who have seen very positive changes in their spouses. We do need to acknowledge that, even as we recognize what issues there may be. We should certainly pray for their success as they try to make their exercises better – just as we should work to establish stronger lay ministries for this neglected married/family demographic. We should also work hard to promote a better understanding of the true depth of the union of, well, everything that matrimony calls us to. This is, after all, a big part of the problem: far too many people, even those faithfully dedicated to serving married couples, simply don’t see the radical nature of marriage for all that it is.
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